That surreal start of any relationship can feel like you’re floating, with endless butterflies in your stomach and a high of intoxicating nerves that only keeps you coming back for more. Everything is perfect, in every sense of the word, but for some, it can change instantly when faced with the dreaded conversation of, “What are we?” (Subtext: to be serious or not.) Suddenly, you can find yourself dissecting them, uprooting every flaw and reason for things to not work, but is there actually anything wrong? 

Commitment — a word that simultaneously strikes all-consuming fear into every impassive bachelor of the world and undeniable hope into the yearning hearts of every hopeless romantic out there (guilty). 

For many though, commitment is an inherently intimidating concept. From getting “the ick” with every relationship that might prove to be something real, to hopping from job to job out of “boredom,” perhaps you’re simply just experiencing a case of “runaway bride.”  

Runaway bride? Yes, like the 1999 film of the same name starring Julia Roberts and Richard Gere (swoon), you no doubt pictured the famed altar escape of Roberts’, Maggie, as she fiercely rides away on horseback with her white, tulle train; veil; and long, chocolate-colored locks in tow. The Garry Marshall-directed rom-com may seem cliché and even trite in nature, but through the cheeky humor and many, many bizarre almost-nuptials, it depicts the true cause of “runaway bride” — the fear of commitment.

The fear of committing to something, or rather someone, often reflects the presence of past trauma. Perhaps an ex pulled the rug out from underneath you after you were sure that they were the one, or maybe you grew up watching and inadvertently learning from an unhealthy, parental relationship. Most often though, it’s a combination of different precursors that lead to this anxiety about fully dedicating yourself to someone or something.  

This fear may seem irrational, but it’s a much more universal struggle than you may think. Just take the surprising 34 percent of millennials who say that they too find themselves struggling with commitment issues due to “being hurt in a past relationship” according to a recent survey by eHarmony.

Now, we’ve all likely been hurt by an ex at one point or another and broke out the Ben and Jerry’s, popped on The Notebook, and cried our weight in tears to regain our bearings — it’s practically a rite in which we’ve all procured our own baggage. But exes or not, healing from any past relationships that have caused you pain can lead to that “runaway bride,” indecisive panic.

So, why now does it seem like so many of us find ourselves facing this same issue?

Simply put: modern dating sucks. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. 

From social media to hookup culture, to online dating apps that evolve into ego-boosting games, no wonder we all feel like we’re getting the sh*t end of the stick. It’s hardly surprising that we continue to face difficulties when deciding who or what to give our hearts to — our dating culture is ridden with insincerity.

Dating has always been tricky, but nothing like navigating romance today. We can all conceal our true selves behind our screens, pretend we’re someone we’re not on Hinge, or even camouflage our just-sex intentions behind some ever-so-polite compliments. Our world has evidently given way to the perfect formula for the world’s largest “broken hearts’ club.”

If you’re one of the lucky ones who has avoided joining this forsaken group and instead fallen into the “always the bridesmaid, never the bride” category, fear not, there is a silver lining — some people simply don’t desire being tied down to one person or thing. Instead, some truly are content with their own company or that of others without feeling the obligation of any deeper attachment.

Modern commitment no longer means someone “popping the question.” It’s a far more fluid concept because it means many different things to many different people. 

Open relationships, couples who don’t find it necessary to walk down the aisle, no-strings-attached, relationship anarchy, polyamorous relationships, a relationship with a career, and even platonic friendships are only some of the entanglements that people find themselves committing to.

So, the question becomes: What does commitment mean to you?

It could mean having mutual love and respect for your partner and being there for them unconditionally, even if marriage isn’t a desire. It could mean supporting your partner or a friend through both times of triumph and times of hardship. It could even mean finally committing to yourself, and giving yourself the attention and time that you so deserve, because let’s face it, it’s okay to be a little selfish sometimes. 

In fact, giving yourself the time and energy to grow during periods of transition or moments of triumph is not subject to any less recognition. After all, the relationship you have with yourself is the one that, without a doubt, you’ll have for the rest of your life, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health.

Whether you’re committing to one person, multiple people, or just yourself — which might just be one of the most important commitments to conquer — by finding the type of commitment you need or want, you can slowly start to break down the protective walls that you’ve built for yourself. 

Commitment doesn’t have to be daunting and can mean whatever you want it to. It’s entirely personal.

The truth is, by giving in to our own “Maggies,” our own runaway brides, are we really just cheating ourselves? You might not even know what you’re missing by running from the unknown (though, I’d run too if I was given a “#1” shaped engagement ring like Maggie — clearly a red flag). 

Maybe that second date you flaked on would have led to something extraordinary, or that promotion you turned down for fear of uprooting all you know could’ve been the change you needed. So, why the hesitation? 

Whether you’re eager to walk down the aisle sometime soon, or not at all, deciding to finally say “I do” can truly be a vow of your own design.