It took two years and four words for my relationship to end. “I love you too.” And that was it — then came the waves of advice…

Whether you’ve been through a breakup yourself and a friend has granted you some words of wisdom or you’ve been held hostage by tarot card readers plaguing your social media feed, you’ve definitely heard the advice, “You can’t love someone else until you love yourself first.” 

Like me, you’ve probably reluctantly shrugged off this cliché, but perhaps, there’s really some truth behind it?

As we’ve all been told, the relationship that you have with yourself is by far the most important one you’ll ever have. So, if our relationships all start and end with ourselves, it only makes sense that we should be practicing the kind of love we crave from others on ourselves first and foremost, right? 

Maybe the key to any successful relationship really is loving yourself in the ways you want to be loved — and for those just getting out of relationships or not currently in one, you could just survive some heartbreak or find yourself in the process.

Of course, it’s a lot easier said than done to put yourself first. Redirecting focus and love onto yourself can often feel selfish and even trivial, but it’s quite necessary for starting to “speak” your love language. So, why might you feel a bit reluctant?

“Culturally, we’re taught to be empathetic to others and to not be self-centered, so there’s already a little bit of judgment there,” explains Jay Choi, a Couples Therapist and Licensed Psychologist at the Fashion Institute of Technology.

But rather than beating ourselves up over being “self-centered,” why not try to look at it from another perspective?

Lisa Mollick, an NYC-based Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Psychotherapist, offers that very perspective saying, “Practicing your preferred love language on yourself may sound odd, but essentially, it’s the epitome of self-love.”

At this point, thanks to social media (yes, I’m looking at you self-defined relationship gurus) and the perpetuation of self-love that seems to be the online rage nowadays, we’re all likely familiar with the five types of love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. 

But, how the hell can you start actually “speaking” your own love language? 

Step one: identify which language you resonate with most.

“Your love language provides insight on how you connect with others on a deeper level and can help guide you on how to best love yourself,” notes Mollick. “We cannot expect someone else to give us what we need if we don’t know what our own needs are.”

By identifying what you really need to feel loved, you can discover which language or languages you connect with the most. To start, Choi suggests seeking the answers to these questions: who am I, what person do I want to be, and what makes me happy and makes my life content?
And if you’re still struggling to hone in on what makes you feel loved, think about the ways you show love in your relationships. “We often demonstrate the love language that resonates most with us [with others],” regards Mollick. 

Now, what are some ways you can start the self-love fest?

Words of Affirmation

Repeating mantras, manifesting, or even waking up and simply telling yourself it’s going to be a great day are all wonderful starting points. Mollick also recommends trying to start your day with an intention, keeping a gratitude journal, or even writing a letter to your younger or older self.

Acts of Service

Doing small things for yourself throughout the day can go a long way. “Try making a list of things that need to get done,” suggests Mollick. “As you start to check things off, you’ll be amazed at how accomplished and proficient you feel. Each one is an act of service you’re committing time to and reaping the rewards of.”

Receiving Gifts 

While receiving gifts could mean splurging on a little retail therapy or getting yourself some flowers after a long day, it could also be just giving yourself a little break and ordering in or getting yourself that coffee pick-me-up in the morning on the way to work. 

Quality Time 

Alone time can often be an overlooked and criticized form of self-care. However, not only can prioritizing time for yourself be soothing, it can even help you grow as a person. Pour yourself a glass or two of wine and throw on your favorite show (with zero guilt about your subtitles being on), or go for a nice long “hot girl walk” to clear your mind.

Physical Touch

Though it may seem the most difficult to achieve, “speaking” this language on your own is absolutely possible. “Try some gentle meditation or grounding techniques, including placing your hand over your heart and taking some deep breaths (in for five, hold for five, out for five) to get in touch with, centered, and more present with your body,” advises Mollick.

And as taboo as it may seem, masturbation could also be a great way to get in tune with yourself in a more physical sense. Planned Parenthood even notes that it can reduce stress, help you sleep better, and even improve your body and self-image.

In the end, it’s all about you. “It’s really about self-care and self-compassion,” agrees Choi. “It’s another way of being self-aware and how you can take care of yourself.”

But how can this newfound sense of language start to apply to the relationships outside of the one you have with yourself? 

“When we begin to identify our sense of worth, we can set boundaries for ourselves with others,” says Mollick. “We stop accepting mediocre love because our narrative and self-respect are greater than chasing people who don’t love us or show up for us. We begin to believe we’re worthy and deserving of love and belonging and no longer tolerate anyone that doesn’t align with that.”

By speaking our love language, we’re really bettering ourselves in the process, regardless of if we’re looking for that next love, enjoying the single life, or mending heartache. It’s all a collective healing process that prioritizes you and your needs, and no matter what stage of life you’re in, it’s always a good time to improve you.

And as I continue to navigate heartbreak and a new period of my life, it’s about time I become fluent in my own love language — it could be just what the doctor ordered.

So, go on, tell me you love me. Yes, you — you in the mirror. I definitely owe it to myself.